Reflective Listening to Nurture the Relationship with your Child

As contradictory as it sounds, children are the epitome of change. For little ones, a subtle shift in routine can inspire a meltdown. Yet for parents, adaptation to change is a priority for survival. From the moment a child is born, they carry the promise of change. Development is their primary goal, which means once we think we’ve mastered the child’s routine, their predictability evolves. 

 

A major shift in our relationships with our children is cultivated by their abilities to dialogue with us. Gone are the days of deciphering what different cries mean, and we are ringing in the days of blossoming vocabularies and opinions. This is typically when parents find themselves stumbling over their connection. With budding cognitions come experiences of disconnection for our little ones. There will be numerous times where their body language does not match their words, and their big feelings come across as puzzling. This is where the power of validation comes in. 

Whenever a child experiences something difficult, it is common for the parent to encounter their own experiences of dysregulation. Instead of attempting to talk a child out of their experiences with the phrases of “calm down” and “you’re ok”, a pivot must occur. This comes in the form of reflective listening. For example, imagine it’s a typical Sunday afternoon along your parenting journey. Your newly minted four-year-old is enjoying their time with their two older cousins, playing in the backyard. Eventually, it’s time to pack up and go home. You casually let your kiddo know it’s time to go, and suddenly tears are exploding from their eyes, and screams of protest are bubbling from their mighty little chest. You freeze in your recognition of everyone’s eyes on you and the scene your child is inevitably highlighting. Yikes.

Here comes the shift. It would be powerful for you to remind yourself that your four-year-old is still very new to the emotional regulation game. We as adults have had many more years of practice and most of the time, it’s still a challenge to react approachably to every single situation. As loud and disruptive as it is, this is a brilliant moment for connection. I would encourage you to drop to their level and lower your voice an octave. Shift your focus from your agenda (getting ready to go home) to what their bodies are communicating. Become the observer in your statements such as “I see your eyes are squinched and there are alligator-sized tears coming from them. I see your fists are balled up and your voice is loud. Having to leave your fun cousins makes you feel so sad. This feeling is so big.” 

The shift in narrative is subtle, but powerful. In this moment you are communicating “I see you, I hear you, and I am here with you in these big feelings.” Instead of rushing a child through a difficult emotion, you are holding space and communicating grace. You will discover the more predictable this response is to their difficult experience, the smaller the outbursts and more approachable you will become. That’s a developmental evolution we can all get on board with.