What To Do When Your Child Refuses To Go To School

Parents often have a question: "My child refuses to go to school. What can I do?" It often starts with shy remarks like “Well, this school again” and ends with morning tantrums, tears and neurosis. The problem has a clear age grading: the reasons for not wanting to attend school in certain periods of a child's life are completely different. Therefore, in order to somehow  influence the situation, you have to understand why it happened.

Why a child refuses to go to school

Why doesn’t a child want to go to school? Not wanting to go to school is a way to solve a problem. It can be both explicit and implicit, both rational and irrational, both understandable and incomprehensible to parents.

6-9 years old children

The problems of children at this age are related to difficulties in adapting to school life. Especially if a child was dropped off to school too early. Psychological readiness is not related to age, so it is important to consult a specialist first to understand if a child is really ready for school.

The adaptation period lasts several months on average, but can last up to six months. Therefore, school avoidance at this time can be regarded as a temporary phenomenon, a variant of the norm. It will go away by itself later.

But what if the adaptation was successful, but a child refuses to go to school? The reasons may be different:

• Misses mom and dad, home.

• Afraid of making a mistake, getting a bad grade.

• Did not find friends in a school team.

• Didn't make contact with a teacher.

• Overworked due to intense daily load.

10-14 years old children

Adolescence is an extremely difficult and turbulent period in a person's life. Hormonal surges, changes in appearance and other metamorphoses affect a child’s behavior, as well as in the perception of a child’s own personality. A child becomes anxious, quick-tempered, sensitive to any criticism.

What can be a reason when a kid doesn't want to go to school:

• self-doubt, low self-esteem and the associated fear of answering at the blackboard, attracting attention to oneself;

• bullying by classmates or teachers;

• Dependency on gadgets that a child has to break during lessons;

• Difficulties in communication with classmates.

15-17 years old children

Among children in this age group, failure to go to school is most common. Moreover, parents may not be aware of this, because instead of lessons, a teenager just goes for a walk.

Why an older child refuses to go to school:

• lack of motivation to study – a teenager simply does not understand why he needs to study;

• problems with friends – children of this age are extremely dependent on the atmosphere in their communication environment (with classmates, with friends);

• problems in personal life – unrequited love, etc.;

• negative influence from older friends, adults.

Regardless of age, the desire to go to school and learn can be influenced by a stressful environment at home, a change of residence, an unpleasant teacher, etc.

The main idea that I want to convey to parents is that refusal of school cannot be considered as mere laziness.

There is always a reason, and your task is to find it in order to take action.

What to do if a child doesn't want to go to school: 7 tips for parents

What can you do if your child refuses to go to school? There are a few tips that can help you.

1. Frank dialogue

If the child is honest about his school affairs, you will be able to help him quickly. Communicate regularly, trustfully, without judgment, ridiculing, with maximum involvement and a desire to understand a problem.

2. Right to protest

Refusal to go to school is a kind of protest against certain circumstances. Praise your child for expressing it and reporting a problem this way. It is much worse to go with the flow and  tput up with.

3. School is a duty

Each person has a range of responsibilities that need to be dealt with. Going to school and learning is the responsibility of a child. And how well he copes with these tasks determines the level of a child’s responsibility. In case of difficulties, one should not give up responsibilities and skip school, but solve the problem and continue learning. Tell your child about it and give an example of the work of adults: an unpleasant colleague or a stuffy tram is not a reason for being absent from work. This is a good way to help if your child refuses to go to school.

4. Invisible involvement 

If you have to involve a teacher or school principal to solve your child's problem, try to involve them as little as possible in this situation. Let your help be effective, but invisible. You should also not arrange public hearings with parents of offenders (if the problem is bullying), and even in the presence of children. A personal conversation will be sufficient.

5. Personal independence 

If your child is following a bad example and refuses to go to school because he is in a bad company, explain to him the shortcomings of a dependent personality. Such a person does not have personal opinion, a voting right, this person is not respected and is ignored. Does a child want to be like this? Is a child willing to sacrifice studies and the future for the sake of cowardly following the instructions of his comrades and skipping school?

6. Teach by your own example

Failure at work is not only a reason to reflexe in the evening with a glass of wine, but is also a great subject for talking with your child. This conversation will be not only interesting, but also informative. Tell what upset you or what didn't work out. Explain your feelings: annoyance, sadness, confusion. And then ask your child what he would do in your place. Let his advice be for nothing, let him still perceive “adult” problems in a childish manner, but in this case, it is not the result that matters, but the process. You will teach your child to look for a way out of any situation.

7. Help from outside

What else can you do if your child refuses to go to school? If you have not been able to find out why your child does not want to go to school, or if all the measures taken have not brought results, it may be worth contacting a psychologist. A specialist will analyse the psychological state of your child, make contact with him and help to understand the situation. You can also ask for help from people your child trusts: close relatives, godparents, friends.

Your task is not just to physically return your child to school, but to restore his interest in school life and activities. Be consistent and responsive to his needs and desires. Trust your child and maintain his trust in you. This is the only way to avoid a similar problem in the future.