4 Signs Your Child is Manipulating You & 6 Ways to Deal with Them

You love your child, but you had hoped that their tantrums and emotional outbursts would be done by now. You’ve had them tested for developmental disorders, tried to impose boundaries and reward systems, and offered them a plethora of healthy outlets for their frustration to little success. They only seem happy when you’ve completely given in. Surely your baby couldn’t be manipulating you, right?

When Your Child is Manipulative

Children are intelligent and can very quickly identify conditioning. That is, they can predict a response based upon a certain set of circumstances. If Mommy buys ice cream every time Baby says they have a sore throat, Baby will always have a sore throat. Some children become extremely adept at this from an early age, whether through their own natural skill or through watching how family members, social media stars, or fictional characters get their way.

Children may attempt manipulation for any number of reasons. Some children very simply desire treats or to get out of uncomfortable situations. Others use manipulation as a form of bonding, such as cases where a child exploits a rift between parents to get closer to one parent. In rare cases, a child who manipulates may simply enjoy the power.

There are levels to manipulation and a child may use every manipulation tactic they can think of, or stick to one or two tried-and-true methods of getting their way. In some ways, it can be revealing about a child. For example, there may be communication gaps in the way you speak to your child and how your child interprets what you’ve said. Alternatively, your child’s manipulation may highlight that you and your spouse are not a united front as a couple.

When children have structure and boundaries, they learn that there are consequences to manipulation and acceptable standards of behavior. However, if parents are too inconsistent in maintaining these standards, the child will learn that these guidelines are not serious, and therefore able to be manipulated.

4 Signs Your Child is Manipulating You

Hysterics

Does your child burst into tears the second you mention “bedtime?” Or do they throw things when you ask them to put clothes away? Maybe your tween starts describing a panic attack when you ask her to do her homework. These extreme behaviors are examples of hysterics. Your child has learned that you cannot weather the storm of discomfort and will take great lengths to avoid it.

Hysterics may take a less obvious approach. For example, your child may not scream or cry, but cooly tell you that they hate you or wish they lived with their other parent. Some children won’t speak at all, utilizing the silent treatment. Others will show their displeasure through sabotage or physical manifestations of their anger towards you.

Helplessness

If your child utilizes helplessness, they have learned to use the natural power dynamic against you. Your child has recognized that you set the standards for behavior and the execution of that behavior, so if they feign incompetence, it becomes your duty to help. This frequently shows up as “I don’t know how.”

For many children (and some spouses!) using the excuse of “I don’t know how” or doing a task so poorly that their incompetence is obvious is an attempt to elevate your frustration. The hope is that you will be so reactive to the poorly done job (or believe that they are truly unable to do it) that you will take on responsibility for the task.

In some cases, your child may need guidance or reminders to execute a job well, such as when doing homework or taking on big chores. This is not manipulation. However, when the child expects you to step in and take complete control of the project, this can be more manipulative.

Deception

Everyone lies. From white lies to complete betrayals, we often have a gray area where we determine truth. Children learn this and, when manipulating, use it to their advantage. Some children outright lie. They simply do not tell the truth. Sometimes this happens in hopes of avoiding punishment, but other times it could be because a child thinks it's fun to watch your reaction.

Lies of omission and half-truths also fall under the umbrella of deception. We tend to see this in older children who have the cognitive ability to recognize what will get flagged as a lie versus a parent who simply did not do their due diligence. In children who have displayed a tendency to exploit loopholes, you may have to be extremely literal with them so there is no misunderstanding. You may have to ask countless follow-up questions to keep them accountable.

Children may also use deception to manipulate interpersonal relationships. If your child lies to protect their other parent, for example, they have created a united force where excluding you builds trust in their connection. Both parties may be excited by this connection and keep secrets between them to reinforce that relationship. This is still deceptive.

Flattery

Very early in life, children are taught to be nice and give compliments in service of building friendships and making connections. These compliments are often responded to enthusiastically, especially by adults. This teaches the child that niceness and compliments make adults happy, which makes them more willing to comply with the child’s wishes. Over time, a child will be able to tell which types of people are more susceptible to flattery than not.

If your child recognizes that flattering you helps them get their way, they may eventually learn that withholding kindness from you will also help them get their way. If you’ve overwhelmingly given in to your child’s flattery, they may walk away with the understanding that you rely on them liking you.

How to Deal with a Manipulative Child: 6 Tips

Give your child as much time as possible

Setting boundaries with your child becomes much easier when you let them know your expectations ahead of time. Give your child warnings and semi-regular reminders about change and how you anticipate them to behave. Some children cannot simply change on a dime, and your focus in shifting their behavior should reward sustainable progress, not quick, drastic fixes.

Respect your child's opinion

Children who feel empowered to make choices or express themselves fully are less likely to need to resort to manipulation in order to accomplish something. With older children and teens, they may feel that it is simply easier to lie or flatter you than it would be to broach a difficult conversation regarding how you treat them. When you respect your child’s opinions and listen meaningfully to their needs, they may no longer feel the need to take such extreme measures to feel a sense of autonomy.

Show your confidence

Children crave a stable figure to give them order. When you’re confident in setting boundaries with your child, you teach your child that you are a reliable person who will keep them safe. Manipulation disrupts the power dynamic, putting the child in control. And, while they may enjoy daily pizza and no bedtime on the surface level, they may eventually resent having to be the one who sets the emotional standard for your relationship.

Try to build a partnership with your child

Most children are not emotional terrorists. They generally want love and acceptance from their parents. Children feel loved and respected when their parents make an effort to collaborate with them. You may have to engage in some negotiation with your child, but there should be an expectation that both parties maintain their end of the bargain.

Control your emotions

Manipulation requires emotional buy-in from the person being manipulated. The manipulator exploits the manifestations of these negative feelings to get what they want. It may require a significant amount of inner work to learn how to keep your composure as your child tries to manipulate you, but it can help prevent longer-term and deeper manipulation down the line. It may pain you to see your child scream or you may want to cry at how cruel they sound. Do not take it personally and maintain a level head.

Some family therapists find it helpful to treat punishment time like a police officer giving a speeding ticket. The police officer does not cry or scream when giving the ticket. They simply explain what happened, why it was illegal, and give the ticket. If you can keep your cool, you will also help your child recognize that emotionality on either end will not change the end result.

Recognize your child's right to negative emotions

Your child is allowed to dislike you. In fact, it would be abnormal if your child never had a problem with anything you did, thought you were always the perfect role model, and took every negative reaction you had towards them as a great dishonor. Your child is a person, entitled to the complex range of emotions and the nuances that come along with them. Your child has also had comparatively less experience in the world than you, and may be struggling to figure out how to navigate it all. Give them the space to process what they need to.

Your child may engage in manipulative behaviors, or even have a manipulative behavioral style, but this does not mean your child is a narcissist-in-the-making. With resolute boundaries and consequences, your child can learn how to better express themselves and engage in healthy relationships without the need for manipulation. Identifying early manipulation can be a prime opportunity to examine your triggers and communication style to better understand your inner self and how you engage with the world- including your child.