How to Deal with a Disobedient Child: Parenting Strategies

Frequently, outsiders — especially those without children — dismiss kids' tantrums and mischief with an eye roll. They suggest they would quickly resolve such behavior. Meanwhile, they criticize worn-out parents who appear to passively observe their child's antics.

Parents often wonder: "Why is my child so disobedient?" In reality, it's not hard to predict what lies ahead for these opinionated bystanders. Their energetic children will soon be shaking up their world. Eventually, they'll find themselves grappling with the question of how to handle their own "little monsters."

Why is a child so disobedient

To begin, let's delve into the topic why a child is so disobedient. Several factors come into play — social, psychological, and physiological. Sometimes, ordinary fatigue has the opposite effect — a child might race around the house like a whirlwind, inadvertently creating chaos. Though they seem active and spirited, they're actually weary. In this state, they can't sit still, concentrate, or comply with parents' requests. This hyperexcitability of the nervous system leads to defiance as a natural response.

Occasionally, a child's unruly behavior signifies their healthy development. These so-called "tricks" are part of growing up. To protect the child's psyche, parents must differentiate between genuinely negative behavior and what's normal for their developmental phase. How to get kids to obey? It's crucial to understand the underlying reasons.

Here are some causes of a child's disobedience:

1. If you lean toward authoritarian parenting — simply asserting "no" without explanation — your child will eventually resist and assert their independence. This is a natural response that emerges as children grasp their own identities and boundaries. Attempting to control a child's will infringes upon their personal boundaries, provoking internal opposition. This eventually evolves into defiance. What's needed is respect for the child's individuality, treating them as a complete person. Take the time and effort to explain decisions to them, especially when it comes to restrictions or critical family matters.

2. George Bernard Shaw noted, "If parents would only realize how they bore their children!" Reflect on whether your interactions with your child might be construed as dull or intrusive. Do you find yourself pressuring your child, imposing conversations or your presence, ignoring their opinions, or overprotecting them? If you do, granting your child more autonomy might be the solution. Allow them to make decisions (within reasonable limits) and be accountable for their choices. This shift will foster respect and ultimately lead to compliance.

3.  Sometimes, a child's misbehavior reflects a lack of your attention. When was the last time you spent quality time together, just your family without screens or distractions? When did you genuinely talk to your child about their day, well-being, or feelings? Instead of meaningful conversations or shared moments, parents sometimes resort to quick fixes like ordering pizza or getting ice cream. While these indulgences have their place, consistent parental attention shouldn't be a rarity in a child's life.

Teacher Tom, an American educator and author, conducted a revealing experiment. For years, he observed parent-child interactions and arrived at a disheartening conclusion: Around 80% of adults converse with children in a commanding tone. Roughly 8 out of 10 statements to a child are directives. This could be the root why a child is so disobedient.

This prompts the question — do you appreciate it when others speak to you in a commanding tone? Similarly, children might express their dissatisfaction by rebelling and acting out. Their disobedience is a response to adults failing to control their words and demeanor.

How can this situation be improved? How to get your child to listen and obey? At the very least, it's essential to alter the communication tone. Shift from issuing orders to asking questions. The commanding tone is one of the most common and grave parental mistakes.

Also: 20 Tips to Be a Good Parent

How to handle a disobedient child: ways for parents

To transform a defiant child into an obedient one, it's crucial to first recognize that a spirited child is healthy. Psychologist Marina Aromsham, in her book "How to Solve Parenting Problems Without Losing Self-Control," suggests embracing the behavior of an active child: “Sometimes, a child's independent behavior may cause adults to ‘forget’ about them for extended periods. However, this behavior could stem from autism, a serious mental disorder. So, cherish your child's constant curiosity, health, energy, and zest for new activities.”

Instead of aiming for obedience, aim for a joyful child.

Our aspiration is to see our children become accomplished, ambitious individuals. Yet, it's often overlooked that excessive control, prohibitions, and commands can inadvertently stifle these very qualities.

Resist breaking a child's spirit to suit your goals. Discard the notion of training altogether. Opt instead for conversations and explanations about cause-and-effect relationships. Allow your child the freedom to make choices within reasonable limits, fostering both independence and accountability.