How to Talk to Your Kids about Sex: an Age-By-Age Guide for Parents

Have you ever considered the number of misconceptions about sex that might be floating around in your child's mind? From the simple, like wondering if kissing leads to having another sibling, to the more complex, such as believing that pregnancy is impossible after the first time. These myths tend to arise when children ask questions and receive vague responses. Often, our own discomfort or complexes prevent us from talking to a child about sex. However, as kids grow up rapidly, understanding sexual relations becomes an essential part of their development into healthy adults. This article provides insights into how to talk to your child about sex according to their age and developmental stage.

Why is it important to talk to your child about sex

A common misconception among parents is that talking to your child about sex might encourage them to engage in sexual activity prematurely. Unfortunately, such an approach can lead to unintended consequences, potentially compromising a child's safety and well-being. Children often perceive sex as a forbidden but enticing subject. Without proper guidance, they'll seek information from various sources. Therefore, sex education is crucial for:

• Fostering trusting relationships. A child should feel comfortable asking parents any question or discussing any concern, which proves beneficial during the tumultuous adolescent years.

• Ensuring a child's safety. Children who lack an open talk about sex with their parents are more susceptible to manipulation by predators. They might be more easily frightened, deceived, or exploited.

• Maintaining psychological well-being. Children encounter distorted information about sex on the street, at school, and online, which can cause significant harm. Misunderstandings can lead to issues in their future sexual lives.

• Safeguarding physical health. Inaccurate or insufficient information drives teenagers to seek answers through personal experiences. This approach can lead to early pregnancy, risky behaviors, and infectious diseases.

When to talk to kids about sex

What age should you talk to your kids about sex? Some parents wait for their child to ask a specific question before broaching the topic. However, silence from the child doesn't necessarily mean they're uninterested. It's possible that previous inquiries were met with uncomfortable reactions—condemnation, embarrassment, anxiety, or ridicule—from adults or peers. Instead of waiting for the perfect moment, take the initiative.

For instance, use relevant events like a friend's pregnancy or a chance encounter with the word "sex" as starting points. Consider sharing personal experiences from your childhood and explore age-appropriate books together.

Don't be disheartened if your child doesn't bring up the subject. Generally, until puberty (around 9-12 years old), children are not curious about sex in the way adults are. They're simply seeking to understand the world. To determine when and how to talk to a child about sex based on your child's age, place yourself in their shoes. Tailor your explanations to be clear and appropriate.

Talking to toddlers

How should you talk to a child about sex with your child at this age? Children aged 3-4 are often curious about where they came from and how babies are made. Use simple explanations:

• You came out of Mommy's tummy.

• Daddy gave Mommy a special seed that grew inside her tummy and turned into a baby.

Psychologists suggest teaching kids the proper names for sexual organs, like penis, perineum, vagina (vulva), and breasts. This equips them to comprehend the distinctions between boys and girls and understand the meaning of certain words they may overhear.

Emphasize that genitals are just parts of the body, like arms or legs. Stress that these parts are private and shouldn't be shown to strangers, which is why they're called “private” parts. Encourage your child not to touch others' genitals and not to let strangers touch theirs. There are exceptions, such as when parents help with bathing or when a doctor needs to examine, but only when Mom or Dad is present.

Addressing school-aged children

Around ages 6-7, children might inquire about where the "seed" comes from and how it reaches Mom's tummy. Explain the process without delving into overly detailed explanations. For example: babies are born when grown-ups love each other and engage in an act called sex. Sex is when male cells (sperm) join female cells (egg). This occurs when a man's penis enters a woman's vagina and releases a special liquid. The egg and sperm create an embryo, which eventually develops into a baby.

How do you approach talking to kids about sex at this stage? For children aged 9-14, you can discuss the process itself and birth, but remember to avoid solely focusing on biological facts. Shift the focus away from shame and towards love, highlighting the emotional and relational aspects of intimate relationships.

Around this age, children's bodies start changing — girls' breasts develop, boys' voices deepen, and both genders develop pubic and armpit hair. Explain these physical changes, introduce girls to menstruation, and educate boys about nocturnal emissions. Emphasize that these changes are normal and experienced by everyone as they prepare their bodies for adulthood and, eventually, parenthood.

Conversations with teenagers

When should you talk to teens about sex? Between ages 14 and 17 (mid-adolescence), discussing sexual relations, contraception, infectious diseases, and the repercussions of early sexual activity becomes crucial. Make sure your teenager knows that you're providing information, not endorsing behavior. The core message should be, “Take your time, there's no rush.” If a teenager believes they're ready for sexual relations, they should also understand the potential consequences.

Also: First Love: What to Do if Your Child Has a Crush

How to talk about sex with your child

Given the wide range of questions about sex and varying attitudes toward the topic, it's important to adhere to some fundamental principles when talking to a child about sex. Here's how:

1. Positive Outlook: First and foremost, emphasize that sex is normal and intended for adults. This foundational principle helps you discuss the topic openly without embarrassment. It's crucial to clearly differentiate between children and adults, reducing the likelihood of misinterpretation.

2. Truthfulness: Providing accurate information is essential. False answers can lead to a child's distorted understanding of the world.

3. Appropriate Details: Only answer the questions your child asks. Avoid delving into unnecessary physiological intricacies that could harm their emotional well-being.

4. Clarity: Explain complex concepts using simple language. Avoid overloading them with information that isn't suitable for their age.

5. Comfortable Atmosphere: Avoid making the conversation an uncomfortable formal event. Instead, foster an open, trustful relationship where discussions arise naturally.

6. Respect: Treat your child's questions and feelings with respect, regardless of how naive they may seem. Never discuss children's issues in front of others, especially the child.

7. Additional Resources: If you're feeling hesitant or concerned about stumbling over your words, suggest authoritative books or educational websites as alternate sources of information.

8. Follow-Up: After answering a question, make sure your child understood the information correctly. If they're learning from books, offer to discuss the content further and address any lingering questions.

9. Gender Distinction: Before age six or seven, the gender of the parent addressing the topic doesn't significantly matter. However, beyond this point, it's advisable for mothers to discuss these matters with girls and fathers with boys. This approach allows each parent to offer information tailored to their child's specific needs, covering topics like physiology, maturation, and sexuality. If your child expresses a preference for hearing from a particular parent, respect their choice.

10. Personal Boundaries: Refrain from sharing intimate details of your own sex life with your child. Maintaining personal privacy and parental roles is essential. Regardless of age, children shouldn't be privy to your bedroom affairs.

Also: 20 Tips to Be a Good Parent

What not to say when discussing sex with your kids

When you queried your parents about the most taboo subject in society, you likely received trite responses like:

1.  “You were brought by a stork” (found in a cabbage, bought at a store, sent by aliens).

2. “Children are born from kisses.”

3. “You'll understand when you're older.”

4. “It's sinful to inquire about such matters.”

5. “Who told you such indecent things? I'll inform your mother!”

6. “Are you mature enough? Let's call Mom and show her our man!”

7. “Focus on your studies, not boys!”

8. “See, a flower has pistils and stamens…”

Regrettably, these phrases, and others like them, don't foster trust. Your child will eventually realize that you deceived them on crucial matters. Consequently, they might refrain from sharing and seeking advice on relationship issues, development, and adulthood. Such responses won't shield them from reality, and their curiosity will lead them to unreliable sources.

Talking to a child about sex centers on their body, health, and safety. Sexuality education isn't yet integrated into school curricula, underscoring the importance of providing honest answers and unwavering support. Moreover, remember that a wealth of age-appropriate literature about sex for children already exists.