9 Ways How Not To Be A Toxic Parent

Toxic parenting is not characterized by fights and screams, but by subtle emotional damage while maintaining an outward appearance of well-being. Toxic parents often disguise themselves as normal parents and are often unaware of the destructive effects they have on their child's psyche. However, their toxic parenting mistakes come at a high cost, poisoning not only the present but also the future.

Let's discuss toxic parenting behaviors and provide tips on how to prevent them from affecting your children. 

Who are toxic parents

In classical psychoanalysis, the term "toxic" is not used, but at the household level, we all understand its meaning. Toxic parents exhibit toxic behaviors in their relationships with others. In her best-selling book, "Toxic Parents," S. Forward provides a precise description of what toxic parents are: "Our parents plant mental and emotional seeds in us, which then grow. In some families, these are seeds of love, respect, and independence. But in many others, they are seeds of fear, guilt, and shame."

Toxic parenting is not an inherent characteristic of a person but rather a description of their relationships with others. A person with a moody or arrogant personality may not necessarily be toxic in their interactions with others, while someone who is generally pleasant can exhibit toxic behaviors towards their loved ones. Toxic parenting is a relative concept.

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10 signs of toxic parents

Why is toxic parenting dangerous? The emotional climate within a family directly affects a child's psychological well-being and personal development. Toxic relationships with parents have negative impacts on all aspects of a child's growth, leading to a lack of love and warmth, and the child may grow up in an unhealthy atmosphere. As a result, the child's main motivation becomes the desire to leave the parental home as soon as possible.

There are various types of toxic parents. Some see themselves as victims, while others play the role of family despots. Some may combine both roles, skillfully manipulating their children's feelings. The most unfortunate aspect is that children often defend their toxic parents, sincerely loving them and remaining unaware of the harm being caused to them.

Here are 10 signs of toxic parenting behaviors towards children:

1. Authoritarianism and control: Demanding that the child report all activities, acquaintances, and movements, and severe punishment for disobedience.

2. Overprotection: Excessive care and protection, hindering a child's age-appropriate independence.

3. Selfishness: toxic parenting is also ignoring a child's needs for the sake of the parents' desires, displaying a cold attitude and disengagement from parental responsibilities.

4. Disrespecting opinions: Imposing parental will and denying the child the opportunity to make their own decisions.

5. Negative criticism: Ridiculing and negatively commenting on the child's behavior, appearance, or words.

6. Manipulation: Imposing guilt and shame, lowering the child's self-esteem.

7. Blackmail and intimidation: Achieving goals through destructive influence, abusing parental authority, and maintaining a dependent status for the child.

8. Infantilism: Parents who have not matured psychologically, seek care, control, and attention from their child. They may even compete with the child for the favor of other family members.

9. Emotional terror: Engaging in conversations that leave the child feeling depressed, experiencing breakdowns, and feeling apathetic.

10. Physical abuse: Inflicting pain under the guise of discipline or without reason, as well as engaging in sexual assault.

How not to be a toxic parent

Our relationships with our loved ones develop over the years, and changing our usual behavior and communication style can be extremely challenging. However, if you want to avoid being a toxic parent, it's important to learn how to interact with your children effectively. Here are some tips on how not to be toxic parents:

1. Avoid being a commander:

Remember that your child is not obligated to obey you simply because they are younger and live in your house. Age and living arrangements should not be used as arguments in disputes or requests. Adopting an authoritarian parenting style can provoke internal protest and lead to complexes in children.

2. Foster independence:

Independence is not something that magically happens; it needs to be nurtured. Avoid overprotecting your child by constantly intervening in their activities. Allow them age-appropriate freedom and responsibility, so they can develop into responsible and independent individuals.

3. Show genuine interest in your child's life: 

Don't limit your involvement in your child's life to mere formality. Take the time to show genuine interest in their activities, offer help and support when needed, and familiarize yourself with their friends and teachers. Building trust and open lines of communication is crucial for a healthy parent-child relationship.

Also: How To Teach Logical Thinking To A Child: 7 Ways

4. Avoid comparisons: 

Comparing your child to others can be harmful. That is what only toxic parents do. If they come up short, they may feel inadequate and undeserving of unconditional love. If they excel, they may develop perfectionist tendencies and neurotic desires to always be the best. Teach your children to focus on their own abilities and nurture them without constant comparison to others.

5. Teach them to say "no":

Encourage your child to establish boundaries by teaching them to say "no" when appropriate. This skill will help them defend their rights and interests, and protect themselves from potential offenders or aggressors. If you inadvertently cross their boundaries, apologize and respect their personal space. By respecting their boundaries, you teach them the importance of consent and self-advocacy.

6. Validate their emotions:

Avoid blaming or disappointing your children when they express their feelings, it can really help not to be a toxic parent. Embrace and explore their emotions, whether positive or negative, and provide a safe space for them to express themselves. By acknowledging and accepting their emotions, you help them develop emotional intelligence and learn healthy ways to cope with their feelings.

7. Support age-appropriate independence:

Recognize that your child will go through several stages of psychological separation from you as they grow. Encourage their age-appropriate independence rather than clinging to them with psychological pressure, blackmail, or manipulation. Allowing them the freedom to become independent individuals will better prepare them for adulthood.

8. Offer constructive criticism, not criticism:

As a good parent, it's important to help your child identify and address their weaknesses. How not to be a toxic parent? Avoid reproaching, ridiculing, or hyperbolizing their flaws. Instead, provide constructive feedback that helps them grow and improve without damaging their self-esteem.

Also: 5 Common Bad Habits in Children and how to Break Them: Tips for Parents

9. Balance discipline with love:

While some toxic parents believe in raising children with an iron fist, it's important to balance discipline with love and support. Excessive strictness can rob your child of a sense of security and unconditional support from their family. Use discipline sparingly and only when necessary, while freely expressing your love and affection at all times.

Remember that being an ideal parent is challenging, and mistakes can happen. Allow yourself the room to make mistakes, learn from them, and continuously improve your parenting approach.