How To Deal With Passive Aggressive Parents

Passive-aggressive people are often labeled as toxic. They have the ability to taint the atmosphere, making it not just uncomfortable to coexist with them, but even to spend extended periods in their presence. It's highly unlikely that anyone would desire their child to perceive them as toxic, irritable, or intrusive.

So, how do loving parents transform into toxic figures in the eyes of their children? What underlying factors contribute to passive aggressive behaviors from parents towards their children, and how can one effectively address and manage them? Let's delve into this matter.

Passive aggression or self-control

First off, it's important to differentiate passive aggression from self-control. When you're feeling internal irritation but outwardly appear calm, those suppressed feelings of anger tend to find an outlet eventually.

However, the situation gets even worse when a mother maintains a stern face while disciplining her child. This leads to a conflict of messages for the child:

• mom seems calm, so things must be fine;

• mom is punishing me, implying I've done something wrong.

How is a child supposed to gauge if their mother is upset or not? What might they have done incorrectly if no cues are being shown? Why are they being punished?

The child is often unaware that the mother is conveying passive aggression in this manner. The mother might actually be on the brink of shouting, but she restrains herself to maintain a facade. It's commonly believed that one shouldn't yell at children.

Due to personal complexes and imposed beliefs, parents occasionally make their child feel guilty for their supposed inappropriate reactions.

Signs of passive aggressive parenting manifest in various ways – for instance, a child shrieks upon encountering a large dog. During this moment, the father exhibits passive aggression (embarrassed by his son's cry) by taunting him: "That's silly, why are you yelling?"

By doing so, he subtly conveys to his child that his natural reaction to the dog is wrong. In reality, this suppresses the child's genuine fear, which is fundamentally incorrect.

This can result in the child feeling ashamed of their emotions, serving as a precursor to the development of passive aggression in them over time.

Also: 9 Ways How Not To Be A Toxic Parent

Effects of passive aggressive parenting

Growing up with passive aggressive parents is far from enviable for a child. They are raised in an environment where guilt is constantly imposed upon them. The child senses that something is awry but struggles to pinpoint the exact issue.

Low self-esteem often plagues children raised in such households, leading to challenges in learning, self-control issues, communication difficulties, and an inability to effectively express emotions. Trusting people and maintaining healthy relationships becomes arduous for them.

The imposition of guilt and the struggle to decipher their parents' true intentions shape their behavior patterns. The child resorts to attempting to discern how to satisfy their parents to avoid their displeasure.

Inevitably, the child grows up with a sense of deep unhappiness and immaturity. If these circumstances remain unchanged, the child will carry this baggage of negative attitudes into adulthood.

Furthermore, suppressing emotions as enforced by parents can lead to more severe consequences of depression, personality disorders, and even tendencies towards self-harm.

Causes of passive-aggressive parenting behaviors

Before attempting to address passive aggressive parents, certain insights must be gained. To begin with, it's essential to distinguish between two forms of parental passive aggression – directed towards the child and aimed at each other (between the parents themselves). Initially, it might seem that the child isn't directly involved in the latter scenario. However, children are profoundly influenced by the psychological climate within the family unit, making it challenging for them to remain unaffected when discord arises.

Aggression directed at the child

Passive aggressive behaviors exhibited by parents towards their child can arise from various factors, such as:

• physical and emotional exhaustion on the parents' part;

• challenging living conditions and financial struggles;

• lingering issues from the parents' own upbringing;

• asense of guilt concerning the child;

• doubts about their capability to be competent parents;

• immaturity;

• the aftermath of stress linked to the child;

• instances of depression and other mental health issues.

Aggression between parents

Even when aggressive behavior between parents is directed at each other, the child ends up bearing the brunt of the consequences. This is because a child's emotional well-being is intricately intertwined with the family's psychological dynamics. Some contributing factors include:

• profound disparities in child-rearing approaches;

• interpersonal conflicts among the parents;

• domineering behavior exhibited by one parent;

• a lack of effective self-expression and communication skills;

• manipulative behaviors for specific purposes;

• disregard for personal boundaries.

Also: 10 Ways to Teach Kids about Boundaries

Six signs of passive aggressive parenting

To ascertain whether signs of passive aggressive parenting are present in your interactions with your child, it's beneficial to observe other parents' behaviors and then reflect upon your own. What are the manifestations of suppressed anger?

Overprotectiveness

For instance, a parent might insist, "Put on your hat, dear!" The parents might not trust their capacity to teach the child independence and responsibility, and they conceal this uncertainty beneath a facade of concern. Ultimately, suppressed frustration morphs into an exaggerated need to be protective.

Manipulation

Statements like, "If you're not home by 11:00 p.m., I'll have a heart attack!" are classic examples of parental manipulation. This tactic stems from an unspoken desire to manipulate the child into doing what they want.

Blame and reproach

An example could be, "I can't hand you money; you'll squander it all!" While parents aim to teach their child financial management, if the child doesn't succeed, the parents might unfairly reproach them for their alleged shortcomings.

Intimidation

Parents might threaten, "You won't need dinner at all if you keep this up – I won't be the one treating your ulcers." It's often easier to instill fear in a child than to elucidate the significance of healthy eating habits. A parent might refrain from yelling directly but instead resort to restrained intimidation.

Disregarding opinions

A parent might dismissively state, "You're too young to have opinions." In this scenario, passive aggression is displayed through an underlying desire to exert dominance over the child.

Excessive strictness

Statements like, "If you spill milk, I'll give you a good whipping!" Parents who exhibit extreme strictness might have been raised under similarly strict circumstances. However, passive aggression can also factor in – stemming from accumulated tension due to the potential hazards, damages, or embarrassment the child could cause.

Also: Parental Burnout Symptoms and How to Recover

Five strategies how to deal with passive aggressive parents

We often find ourselves our own greatest competitors and opponents. It's sometimes easier to apologize and admit mistakes to others than to confront these issues within ourselves. However, if you're committed to outgrowing passive aggressive parenting behaviors toward your child, consider the following five strategies.

1. Acknowledge the Issue

Begin by acknowledging that yes, you do display passive aggression towards your child. Recognize the far-reaching consequences of your actions and understand that you may be hurting your child.

2. Embrace Imperfection

Grant yourself the freedom to feel anger, especially since children can indeed be exasperating. You're not an emotionless machine; you're human. Feeling frustrated and irritated is perfectly normal.

The goal isn't just to manage your anger, but to channel it appropriately:

1.  **Withdraw:** Physically remove yourself from the situation.

2. **Delay:** Promise to address your anger later.

3. **Release:** Engage in harmless outlets like breaking a plate, kicking a pillow, or snapping a pencil (when alone).

3. Explore your emotions

Several years ago, a study conducted at the University of Kentucky delved into aggression. Professor Ricky Ponda interviewed individuals experiencing anger in provoking situations. He concluded that those adept at identifying their emotional states maintain emotional equilibrium. They possess a better understanding of themselves and their reactions, enabling them to anticipate outcomes and manage their behavior.

To move away from passive aggressive parenting, learn to recognize your emotions. When anger strikes:

1. **Focus:** Concentrate on your emotions.

2. **Label:** Identify them.

3. **Acknowledge:** Accept their inevitability.

4. **Assess:** Gauge how long they'll impact you.

This self-examination can help dissolve internal aggression without transitioning into a passive form.

4. Embrace conflict resolution

Yes, indeed! Don't shy away from conflicts, especially when it concerns your children.

If your child errs, don't stay silent or fear hurting their feelings. Speak candidly and clearly about their mistake. While emotions might lead you to raise your voice or magnify the issue, this approach is superior to maintaining silence and pretending that everything is fine. The latter scenario lacks educational impact and is prone to recurring. This is a crucial reminder in your journey to overcome passive aggressive parenting.

5. Foster socially appropriate behavior

Significant life events provide invaluable lessons. Based on this premise, consider one of the most effective ways to combat passive aggression – engaging in socially appropriate actions.

Remember how Agatha Christie handled passive aggression? Though she disliked doing dishes, she occasionally had to. During these chores, her thoughts would drift to creative places, inspiring her to conceive intricate murder mysteries for her detective stories.

If your child misbehaves and you find yourself agitated, channel these emotions into household chores, creative pursuits, or physical activities.

Regulating negative emotions doesn't entail suppression. By following the five steps outlined during moments of rage, you'll eventually internalize this skill. This will enable you to manage aggression, directing it constructively. Consequently, you'll cultivate a sense of calm. The changes you undergo will undoubtedly catch the attention of your child.

In conclusion, tackling passive aggressive parenting is an endeavor that demands self-awareness, acceptance, emotional exploration, and constructive conflict resolution. By practicing these principles, you'll foster a healthier emotional environment for both you and your child, ensuring their growth and well-being.