10 Ways To Deal With Jealousy in Children

Has your adorable older child turned into a mischievous and temperamental individual after the arrival of a newborn in the family? "You love them more than me!" is just one example of the jealousy that children experience. While it's impossible to completely eliminate jealousy between siblings, you can significantly reduce its impact. In this article, you'll learn how to help your child overcome jealousy, avoid common mistakes, and teach them to love one another.

Causes of jealousy in children

Why does jealousy occur in children? The birth of a second child brings joy to the family, but it also creates a considerable amount of stress and upheaval. However, the oldest child often faces the toughest situation. Their entire worldview changes:

1. The parents' attention is focused on the newborn.

2. New rules emerge, altering the family's daily routine.

3. The child assumes a new role as an older sibling.

4. Their needs are no longer met as quickly and fully as before.

This confusion leads children to associate changes in their parents' behavior with themselves. They may believe that they no longer deserve love because everyone is preoccupied with the new baby.

In addition to confusion, frustration may arise when the child expected a playmate but received a tiny, helpless creature instead. Until the older sibling can effectively communicate with the younger one, they perceive the newborn as an unnecessary intruder.

The situation worsens when parents excessively protect the younger child from the older one. By doing so, they imply that the older sibling is not gentle enough and could harm the baby.

Sometimes, even the youngest child, as they grow older, may become jealous of their older sibling. For example, they may dislike the fact that they receive hand-me-down clothes and toys.

Also: How To Deal With Your Child Lying: tips for parents

Mistakes Parents Make that Trigger Jealousy in Children

When a younger sibling arrives, the older child automatically assumes the role of the "grown-up." However, they are still children who desire playtime, outings, and the chance to watch cartoons. In this challenging situation, parents unintentionally cause additional discomfort through thoughtless words and actions. Here are some mistakes parents make that provoke child jealousy:

1. Comparing children based on personal qualities. For instance: "Your sibling eats so well, but you hardly eat anything at all" or "Your brother will grow up and excel academically, unlike you!" This approach only intensifies feelings of child jealousy and animosity between siblings.

2. Punishing only the older child during conflicts. They are always presumed guilty: "Give in, you're the older one!" or "Let them play, they're younger!" Younger siblings often act as instigators, and parents' failure to understand the situation exacerbates the problem.

3. Punishing the older child for misbehavior and aggression. By behaving this way, the child is attempting to gain attention. Punishment only reinforces their belief that they are bad and that their parents no longer love them.

4. Forcing the older child to accept and love the baby. Statements like "You must love your sister" only lead to resistance.

5. Assigning responsibilities to the older child and demanding their help. "You have to help us because you're older!" The arrival of a newborn and the responsibilities associated with caring for them are the parents' responsibility. While the older child can assist, they are not obligated to do so. Taking care of their younger sibling should be a source of enjoyment.

6. Significantly reducing attention given to the older child or dividing attention equally between siblings. In reality, this is a mistake. The older child now requires more attention from parents.

Signs of Jealousy in Children

Each child reacts to a stressful situation in their own unique way. When their behavior significantly deviates from the norm, it becomes a cause for concern. Jealousy in children manifests itself overtly and covertly.

Overt manifestations of jealousy include:

• Emotional or hysterical behavior;

• Disobedience;

• Aggression towards the younger sibling or parents;

• Isolation and avoidance of communication;

• Declining grades and poor behavior at school.

Covert manifestations of child jealousy include:

• Constantly seeking physical contact with parents;

• Fear of the dark and sleep disturbances;

• Bedwetting and nightmares;

• Frequent illness or poor health;

• Unexplained low mood;

• Self-harm or the development of bad habits (e.g., nail-biting);

• Heightened attention towards the younger sibling.

Also: How To Calm A Crying Baby: 10 Tips

To minimize jealousy in firstborn children, it's important to prepare them for the arrival of a new sibling even during pregnancy.

How to Prepare the Older Child for the Arrival of a New Sibling to Prevent Jealousy

How can you prevent jealousy in children?

1. Begin discussing the new addition with your child 3-4 months before the expected birth date. This timing allows the child to avoid a prolonged, anxious wait.

2. Encourage your child's independence. If possible, dedicate this time solely to yourself, engaging in hobbies, relaxation, or reading. Teach your child the importance of having personal time for their own activities. This will help children dealing with jealousy and quickly adjust after the baby's birth. It won't be a big deal for the child if their mother does something else.

3. Highlight your child's new status. Share stories with your child about how you dreamed of having a younger sibling when you were a child, and express your happiness about having them. Read fairy tales or watch movies where siblings are friends and support each other.

4. Emphasize the advantages for an older child. It's wonderful that they're older and capable of walking, talking, dressing themselves, eating independently, and playing on their own.

5. Create the right image of the newborn. Help your child understand that the baby is not a playmate of the same age but a tiny, vulnerable infant. Show them pictures of themselves as a baby and explain that they were just as small and in need of care and attention.

6. Involve your child in preparing for the baby's arrival. Ask them to choose a toy or clothes that the baby would like. Let them feel important and valued. Avoid criticizing their choices.

10 tips to help a child overcome jealousy

1. Give equal attention to both children.

When guests visit, ask them to focus on and bring a gift for the older child first before turning their attention to the newborn. Provide even more attention to the older child. The smaller the age gap between the children, the more warmth and care the firstborn requires. Show videos of yourself cradling them when they were crying. Ensure that your child knows they received the same love and attention as their sibling did as a baby.

2. Make your child feel important.

Help your child understand that they are important and needed. Assign them age-appropriate household tasks. Teach them how to handle and care for the newborn. Supervise the process and never leave the children unattended. Avoid scolding them if they make mistakes. Instead, show them again and praise their effort. Let them know how much you appreciate their help. This approach is beneficial in dealing with jealousy in children.

3. Respect personal boundaries.

Respect the older child's need for privacy. Allow them to play separately and refrain from forcing them to spend time with the younger sibling. Ask for permission before touching their belongings, but be prepared for them to refuse. The firstborn considers their possessions as their own and may forbid others from touching them. Do not scold or shame them for it. Set a positive example by allowing the older child to play with the younger one's toys.

Also: 10 Ways to Teach Kids about Boundaries

4. Show equal affection.

Avoid using the same endearing nicknames for the younger child that you used for the older child. Let each child have their own unique term of endearment.

Maintain a close emotional connection with your child. No matter how busy you are, always find time for a loving look, a kiss, or a hug.

5. Preserve established rituals.

If you had family rituals before the birth of the youngest child, such as reading a bedtime story or going for a Sunday walk in the park, make sure to continue them. If there were no such traditions, create new ones or develop a shared secret that strengthens your bond. This approach is highly effective in handling child jealousy.

6. Encourage attention from the older child.

How to help a child overcome jealousy? Support your older child's desire to participate in the life of the younger one. Encourage them to communicate, play, and help you take care of the baby. Teach your child that the baby needs their love just as much as they need the love of their parents. Highlight the baby's love for their older sibling. For example, say, "Look how they smile at you!" or "Our baby loves it when their older sibling feeds them."

7. Love equally.

When your child asks who you love more, avoid responding with "I love you both equally." This answer won't satisfy them because they want to feel special and unique. Instead, explain that each child has a special place in your heart. Emphasize the qualities that make each child unique and loved.

8. Remain neutral.

During conflicts between the children, refrain from taking sides. By not assigning blame, children are less likely to blame each other. They must understand that each individual is responsible for their own behavior.

Also: Crying Kids: How To Help A Highly Emotional Child

9. Praise equally.

When you praise one child, remember to immediately praise the other. Teach your children that everyone is different, and it's normal to have unique strengths and weaknesses.

10. Foster a sense of teamwork.

How to help both children deal with jealousy? Cultivate a spirit of collaboration between your children. Encourage non-competitive games in which there are no winners or losers, such as playing pretend in a shop or building a hut. Create situations where each child can express themselves as individuals and enjoy each other's company. Engage them in activities or assign them joint responsibilities that can only be successfully accomplished together.

While many psychologists consider loving children equally to be the ideal approach, it may not always solve the issue. Every child is individual and unique. Stay attuned to your children's needs and keep your heart open to them. By doing so, you can minimize jealousy in children and foster a loving relationship between them.