Coping with Emotionally Immature Parents

What characterizes emotionally immature parents? Have you come across the term "parentification"? This is when children essentially "take on" their parents' role, swapping positions with them. This circumstance hastens the end of childhood. However, hasty adulthood doesn't escape unnoticed, leaving an impact on a person's mental well-being.

As time goes on, the relationship between adult children and still-immature parents deteriorates. Why this occurs and how to deal with emotionally immature parents you can read in our article.

Identifying emotionally immature parents

There's a common misconception that physical growth, marriage, and minimal self-sufficiency are sufficient for parenthood. In reality, these merely represent external markers of adulthood, not guarantees of being a capable parent. Emotional maturity is the true hallmark of good parenting. How do adults raised by emotionally immature parents differ from emotionally mature individuals?

Only an emotionally mature parent will:

• take responsibility for a new life;

• make difficult yet necessary decisions;

• prioritize and assess risks sensibly;

• understand what constitutes a normal childhood;

• eliminate stereotypes and complexes;

• trust and genuinely listen to their child;

• express love appropriately;

• avoid excessive overprotection;

• grant ample freedom and cultivate independence in their child.

Personal examples effectively mold a child's upbringing. Yet, this dynamic thrives when a parent is a role model for their child. However, what kind of example might a grown yet emotionally juvenile person set for their children?

Chances are, children will witness a series of their mistakes and poor choices, followed by the repercussions.

Worse still, these flawed patterns established during childhood often lead to significant challenges in adulthood.

Moreover, emotionally immature parents often struggle to provide their children with unconditional love, unwavering support, and a nurturing environment for a happy, seamless upbringing. The odds of raising well-adjusted and psychologically healthy individuals are considerably slimmer compared to children whose parents matured not just physically, but emotionally.

Also: Parental Burnout Symptoms and How to Recover

Signs and types of emotionally immature parents

Lindsey Gibson, an American clinical psychologist with over four decades of experience, authored one of the most renowned books on this subject. Her bestseller, *Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents*, delves into the consequences of raising children by individuals psychologically unprepared for parenthood, categorizing them into several conditional subtypes. Four types of emotionally immature parents emerge:

1. The Passive Parent: These individuals would rather avoid dealing with a child's issues, often brushing problems under the rug. They may ignore a child's problems, hoping they'll resolve on their own.

2. The Follower Parent: Typically, these are workaholics and perfectionists, prioritizing their work or occasionally fleeting goals above all else.

3. . The Hyperemotional Parent: This parent's emotional range fluctuates widely—their mood can shift multiple times a day. Interacting with such parents is challenging due to their unpredictability and quick temper.

4. The Candid Parent: To this parent, a child is akin to a persistent toothache—no warmth is felt, yet the child cannot be ignored.

These types vary greatly, but they all exhibit signs of emotional immaturity, sharing a striking resemblance to children. Essentially, their emotional state resembles that of a child in an adult's body. This childishness, however, might not be overt. Thus, to identify emotional immaturity, evaluating a combination of three to four of the following traits is crucial:

• inability to think constructively or manage emotions in stressful situations;

• lack of empathy, struggling to exhibit compassion, understanding, and complex emotions;

• selfishness and egocentrism, prioritizing personal needs and feeling;s

• thirst for attention, craving the spotlight even if it means resorting to hysterics or deviant behavior;

• mood manipulation, leveraging resentment and silent treatment to coerce a child

• blaming others, shirking personal accountability while attributing blame to others, often children;

• inability to control emotional outbursts, resulting in inconsistency, aggression, or hyperbolic criticism;

• resistance to alternative viewpoints, stubbornly adhering to their own opinions;

• superficial relationships with loved ones, opting for formal rather than nurturing connections with their child.

Navigating challenges: how to live with emotionally immature parents

Under the influence of certain psychological traumas or upbringing nuances, emotionally immature individuals often disconnect from their emotional core. This can lead to insensitivity and, at times, outright cruelty. As they form families and become parents, the challenges intensify. How to deal with emotionally immature parents?

Children's psyches activate an adaptive mechanism when they pinpoint the pain points of emotionally immature parents —triggers that initiate a chain of psychological responses.

Thankfully, children quickly learn how to create a harmonious environment for such moms or dads. They grow accustomed to sympathizing, comforting, and occasionally indulging them. They acquire the skills to navigate and appease.

What happens next? Premature adulthood. Children are compelled to assume adult roles within the family, while remaining helpless and immature in other facets of life.

Also: 9 Ways How Not To Be A Toxic Parent

Externalizing and internalizing children's struggles

How do children fare when raised by emotionally immature parents? Children usually adopt one of two interaction approaches while adapting to life with emotionally immature parents:

1. Externalization: This approach involves continuously seeking attention and assistance from adults.

2. Internalization: This approach entails silently enduring unmet needs and desires.

Both strategies are undesirable outcomes of childhood scenarios, as they hinder the development of a child's psyche. Consequently, children raised under these conditions often grow into emotionally immature or psychologically traumatized individuals, much like their parents.

Furthermore, if a child follows the externalization route, they may unintentionally replicate their parents' fate to some extent. However, a child has a chance for normal growth and development if they limit their interactions with their parents and involve other authoritative figures, such as significant adults.

On the other hand, if a child internalizes their struggles, they not only face the disadvantages of living with emotionally immature parents but also encounter difficulties in communication, socialization, and building healthy relationships.

Strategies dealing with emotionally immature parents

What can children do when raised by emotionally immature parents? Undoubtedly, adults who have already learned to coexist with their emotionally immature relatives will read our advice. Nevertheless, generational relationship issues persist and may even worsen with time. Maturity does not necessarily translate into emotional growth. Hence, the following information remains relevant for everyone.

So, what do you seek from parents who lack psychological maturity? Is it understanding, support, or perhaps an apology for a curtailed childhood? Dealing with emotionally immature parents is challenging and often does not lead to receiving these desires. Therefore, setting specific goals becomes crucial:

1. Picture yourself as the conductor of this orchestra. Instead of being a passive follower or a frightened child, adopt a role that sets the tone of communication. Seek answers to your questions and prevent your parents from overwhelming you emotionally. Refuse to be manipulated, as adults can recognize and counter manipulative tactics.

2. Clearly define your objectives. "I want my mother to show interest in my affairs" is vague. In contrast, "I want to call my mom once a week" is specific and attainable. During phone calls, you can share news, thereby achieving your goal.

3. Engage in heartfelt conversations with your parents. While they might not immediately embrace revelations, intimate communication takes time to develop. Your goal is to express the grievances, resentments, and pains accumulated during childhood.

4. At first, your persistence may be met with resistance, but over time, an emotionally immature person can adapt to a new mode of communication. After all, adapting is a strength inherent in "eternal children."