Helping Children Cope With Divorce: 10 Rules For Parents

There are times when it's better to make a firm decision and end a troubled marriage rather than continue in an unhealthy situation that risks harming the entire family.

Once the decision to divorce has been made, it's important to inform your child about it. But how can you do it in the best way possible? How will these events impact your child's future? And how can you help children cope with divorce?

How a Child's Life Changes After Their Parents' Divorce

Typically, the decision to divorce follows a long period of tension, arguments, and misunderstandings within the family. In severe cases, it may involve infidelity, aggression, scandals, or even violence. A child is not unaffected by these circumstances, as they are highly dependent on the atmosphere within the family. Children often suffer as much as their parents do.

Anxiety, depression, academic decline, apathy, and social isolation are common consequences for children who experience the turmoil of a family breakup. It is crucial for parents to understand how to help children through divorce.

It's important to note that the effects of a divorce cannot solely be attributed to the moment the divorce certificate is obtained and the parents no longer live together. In many cases, traumatic events occur for years leading up to the final decision. In such situations, the consequences for the child are compounded, creating a persistently negative emotional environment in which the child lives.

Additionally, parents should not assume that events directly impacting the child's well-being will end once the parents are separated. Many adults continue to engage in a "cold war," treating each other as strangers. This behavior is manifested through open conflicts, complete avoidance of communication, and even attempting to turn the child against the other parent.

Also: How to Teach Your Children to Control Their Emotions: Understanding and Managing Feelings

All three phases (pre-divorce, during, and post-divorce) have equally detrimental effects on children. Therefore, it is crucial for parents to understand how to help their children cope with divorce.

The 3 Main Mistakes Parents Make

Parents going through a divorce often make certain mistakes when it comes to raising their children. Being aware of these mistakes can provide insight into helping kids through a divorce.

Conflict in the presence of the child

Parents must remember that children feel empathy for both their mother and father (unless there is an obvious aggressor). A child becomes a hostage in the situation, unable to influence the adults but highly sensitive to the negativity they experience during arguments.

Using a child as a bargaining chip

Manipulating a child is a common tactic employed by some parents, particularly fathers, to exert pressure on the other parent. Threatening to take the children away is one example. However, the reverse can also occur, with a mother threatening to cut off all contact between the child and the father. It's crucial to recognize that parental rights and responsibilities are not contingent on marital status. Decisions regarding a child's living arrangements and visitation should be made voluntarily or through legal channels.

Involving relatives and friends in the conflict

Expanding the conflict to involve relatives and friends exacerbates the "combat zone." While previously a child might have found respite from family conflicts at a grandparent's house, this is no longer possible as parents involve all relatives in their disputes. As a result, the negative atmosphere permeates a child's life at home and during visits with relatives.

Also: Why Does Aggressive Child Behavior Occur, and How Do You Deal with It

10 Guidelines for Parents on How to Help Children Through Divorce

When helping children cope with divorce, it's essential to follow several guidelines.

1. Be open about the changes

Avoid hiding major changes from your children. Instead, discuss them together as parents. Share the news and your vision of what will happen once one parent leaves. Reassure your child that both parents love them, will always be there to help and support, and will never abandon them.

2. Address their concerns

Acknowledge and address your children's anxieties and concerns. Make time for discussions on this topic, even if it means talking about it every day. Your child should feel a sense of stability and trust that you have the situation under control.

3. Seek professional help

If you recognize the need for professional help from a psychologist, do not hesitate to seek it. This decision can positively impact your child's future by assisting them in adjusting to the idea of their parents' divorce and minimizing any negative psychological consequences. Professional assistance is an effective way to help kids through a divorce.

4. Stay involved in your child's life

Remain actively engaged in your child's life by participating in their school activities, spending quality time together, and celebrating family holidays. Minimize disruptions to your child's routine as much as possible.

5. Avoid speaking negatively about your ex-spouse

Never speak ill of your former spouse in front of your child. Remember that your child loves both their mother and father. Speaking negatively about either parent can cause emotional harm.

6. Avoid manipulating your children

Do not manipulate your children or use them as pawns. This behavior harms not only the other parent but also your child.

Also: 4 Signs Your Child Is Manipulating You & 6 Ways To Deal With Them

7. Equitably distribute time with your child

Find a fair and balanced schedule for spending time with your child. Make decisions that are in their best interest. For example, it may be inconvenient to change the child's living arrangements in the middle of a school week. It might be better for them to spend weekdays with one parent and weekends with the other.

8. Keep your children out of new relationships

Shield your children from information about your new relationships until you are certain they are serious. Be prepared for your child to resist the introduction of a new person into their parent's life.

9. Maintain connections with your ex-partner's family

Do not sever ties with your ex-partner's extended family, including grandparents and other relatives. Allow them to remain a part of your child's life, just as they were before the divorce.

10. Maintain respectful communication with your ex-partner

Strive to establish a respectful and amicable line of communication with your former spouse. Let go of past resentments and focus on actively participating in the co-parenting process while divorced.

Undoubtedly, these guidelines are easier said than done. Although there are many effective rules on how to help your child get through a divorce, in practice, one parent often withdraws from the responsibilities of raising and supporting their child, potentially even starting a new family. However, even in such cases, it is essential to inform your child in a considerate manner and explain the reasons behind such behavior. Psychological support is often necessary for children experiencing their parents' divorce.

Remember that every action during this challenging period will impact your child's future, and it is up to the parents to determine the severity of those consequences.